To be completely honest, I’ve struggled to write this post for quite awhile. Each time I would start, the words would quickly spiral into a seemingly pitiful story about life before and life after.
But, there is nothing pitiful about life after.
To get the tone right, I had to go looking for my “why” again. Trainers, business coaches, dieticians – in the past, they’ve all told me to know my “why.” Every time, I roll my eyes and every single time they’re freaking right.
I’ve been trying to cycle. Never consistently. I’ve been trying to do more marketing for the real estate business. It’s a solid procrastination tactic. I’ve been trying to eat well. It’s not been awesome. I even ordered a juice cleanse. That was a flop. I needed running shoes. One month later, I’ve only run in them once. I needed a garden. At the height of harvest, I’m just overwhelmed by it.
All the while, the “why” hasn’t been clicking.
Tonight, though – while chopping sweet potatoes for my baby – I found it. The biggest surprise is that the “why” now isn’t so different from the “why” before. Yet, now, it’s a billion times better.
In my life before – before dating Aaron, before marriage and before baby – my motivation for most things was the desire to meet him and start a family with as much health, wellness and joy as possible. I worked hard for myself. I put positivity and happiness above most else. I invested hugely in spending time with friends and surrounding myself by wonderful people. I worked out often, ate well sometimes and really tried to give wellness priority everyday. I would meditate. I rarely acknowledged negativity. I embraced my own confidence. I pursued every opportunity with energy.
That’s the feeling I’ve been missing.
Somewhere in the late-night bottles, diaper changes, drives to daycare, moving houses, renovation, full-time job, pandemic and general chaos – I forgot how to feel energized. My interests and pastimes slowly dwindled. The motivation fell away and the “why” – with my before goals achieved – was forgotten. I have loved the past few months more than anything – that’s for certain. That feeling is missing, though. That feeling I worked so hard to feel before.
In my life after adding Aaron and baby, the sentiment of that original “why” remains. I want Aaron to feel like I’ve worked just as hard to have him in my life every single day as I did to find him 3 years ago. I want Isai to grow up knowing I’ve given him the best gifts I could possibly fathom for our family – wellness, energy, joy and the world.
What was once a simple goal is now reality – and I have the opportunity to achieve exactly what I’ve wanted for so long every single day. I want to rediscover that life of relentless positivity. I want my confidence to inspire. I want to love and be loved harder than ever – and I want my husband and son to know that my whole heart is theirs. I want my friends back (damn it, COVID!). I want to be present and reliable.
Present. Yes, more of that.
Finally…finally being able to write this post feels like the first step. The kickoff. It’s here for the world to see. It’s here for some thinly veiled accountability. It’s here. And so am I.